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When adoption doesn't work


Before an adoption is effective and you can take your child home, you will go through a series of mandatory procedures that seek to make the process a success: pre-adoption courses, evaluation tests by professionals and meetings with the child that has been assigned to you.

The objective is that the child adapts to you as parents and you to the child because, although it may seem simple, this is not always the case; especially in older children.

Despite all this, you may find yourself faced with the fact that the adoption does not go as you had in mind and the reasons can be very different:

1. There is no bond between the child and you. There is no feeling and you are not comfortable: In this case, there are problems of communication, understanding, rules, ... When this happens you should talk to the people in charge of monitoring so that they can try to find a solution with the support of specialized professionals or looking for a new family for the minor.

2. Child does not assume he has a new family and is waiting for sometime to appear their biological parents: This can occur despite the fact that you have a good relationship with the child and it is your task to make him understand in a firm and forceful way that this is not going to happen. It is interesting to consult the case with a professional because the child may be denying reality and that will create long-term damage.

We have to distinguish these cases from those in which the child challenges you, tests you, seeks to tighten the rope, or tells you that he did not want to be adopted. All these behaviors, although as parents they can be exasperating and hurtful, indicate that the adoption is developing normally, that they feel comfortable and that is why those licenses are allowed. A child throws a tantrum with someone they trust; if he is not self-conscious.

You must understand that an adopted child is a child rejected, directly or indirectly, by his family, by society, ... and this leads him to mistrust the world around him and to try to test his new parents. It's easy for me to think: 'if they didn't love me once, why is everything going to be different now?' Furthermore, this mistrust and insecurity are often accompanied by feelings of guilt: 'if my biological parents don't love me, it's because I'm bad'. Bearing this in mind, it is easy to understand that your child has the following reasoning: 'if because I'm bad they have stopped loving me, how far will those who say they love me be willing to go?', And act trying to prove their theories.

This explanation is important to take into account so that you can understand what is happening to the child and do an exercise of patience and resistance. But this cannot be an excuse for him to do what he wants. Being parents means being firm, setting limits and educating, but always with love and understanding. Not reacting to inappropriate and provocative behavior shows indifference and not caring or concern, and children take notice.

The self-esteem of an adopted child is very deteriorated, so you have to insist that you will always be there whatever he does, that you love him above all else and that his biological parents also loved him, they just couldn't take care of him. It is important to keep you from feeling abandoned.

You can read more articles similar to When adoption doesn't work, in the On-site Adoption category.


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